Secrets Revealed

Although we have known each other for so long, I know you have no idea of the secret that I carry with me each day. Despite the minutes, hours and quiet times that we have spent in each other’s company, you have no idea what runs through my mind. Your scent, your smile your unique style, it is all so comforting. It is this familiarity that I seek that I desire yet I am scared of the thought of letting you get too close, letting you know. When I am around you I cannot breathe, I gasp for air and daze in euphoric pleasure. I want to open my heart, my mind, my body and my soul so you can get a glimpse of the depth and breadth of my love for you. It is the tenderness in your voice that I so love when you speak of your children, it is the silliness in your laughter that I so enjoy when you are at a loss for words it is your simple admissions to life’s mistakes that I so admire in you. I know you like me, I know you feel me, but it is your love that I so desire?

The last time I wrote on this blog was two years ago. Wow, how time has passed and how little has changed.

I am still struggling with my weight and damn it is sad to know that I am at the same stage with my weight as I was two years ago. Imagine if I had simply committed to losing a pound a week I would be approximately 104 pounds lighter. Do you think it is too late to make that commitment?

I really don’t want to talk about weight loss right now. The passage above is from an email I sent a couple of days ago to a man I fell in love with, the same man that I had a romantic night with two years ago. So as you can see, not only has things changed in my love life, I went out and fell in love. The problem, major problem – married man! The ultimate no no.

So in coming to some realization I broke it off this morning. As painful as that was, it was also necessary. I really love him and the only way to move beyond this dead end relationship was to put an end to it. First I have to admit that at no point did I set out to develop romantic feelings for a married man. In fact, this man was not even my type. The starvation for intimacy and overwhelming desire for attention obviously overshadowed my common sense.

So what have I learn and what can I share with you. First I have to admit something. In breaking it off deep down inside I am hoping that we still have a future. Not right now, but perhaps later. No comment please – I know it would appear somewhat delusional.

Here are the lessons learned – in a relationship such as this one the nights are very lonely. We did not enjoy any of the pleasures of developing a real relationship, no late night phone calls (although I did get those 1:00am booty sex phone calls – not romantic at all). No overnight romantic night outs. I could not call him when I needed him and I spent most of my time waiting for him to call me. This did nothing for my self esteem, in fact it eroded myself esteem.

I strongly encourage all women; despite your need for love and attention please take the time to find the right partner. Do not be disillusioned by quick fixes. Sex in a hotel does not constitute love. It is just sex. No matter how long it may take, it is possible to find a relationship that is right. Take the time to do the things that you enjoy and forget about living to fulfill someone else’s expectation. Enjoy life to the fullest with or without a mate.

Fading Forties

Youth is a quick foray into life that passes so quickly we often do not have time to enjoy the moment. And as I get older I have a new found appreciation for youth. This is ironic, since when I was younger I wanted nothing more than to be older and mature as I waned through various aging process; the awkward teenage years, the trivial twenties and the tumulus thirties. Now, I am forced to embrace the fading forties. I say fading because that is how I feel right now. Although I am doing my best to accept the newly coined phrase for those of us who are now in our forties, “forty is the new thirty.” A promising thought, don’t you think. After all according to the experts we are now living longer and we are more active than the previous generation. I am not alone in this desire; take a look at the billion dollar cosmetic market that uses young women to pimp out products that promises youthful solution to an aging population.

The desire to be young again has intensified because I am now officially single; at least according to my divorce document that arrived in the mail last week. For many the realization of being single intensifies according the physical shape that you are in. I say this, because if you are happy with your overall physical appearance chances are you are actively engaged in normal social activities. I, on the other hand, I am part of the growing population that struggles with maintaining a normal body weight. You now the type, the one that has a date with the bathroom scale every Monday morning in hopes that some how this will be the week that the magic of dieting will be realized. I no longer follow that Monday morning routine. Partly because I am convinced that my scale is a liar and partly because I have accepted the things in my life that I cannot change (although according to a popular Beverly Hills plastic surgeon – there isn’t anything on the human body that he cannot fix). And after years of compartmentalizing my body parts, I have now learned to chuck in all under unchangeable and impossible. What a relief that was.

Having said that, I also came to the other realization – it was time to get my feet wet and enjoy the company of the opposite sex again. Because I live in a small town and I do not know that many people here, I would have to expand my search zone. I decided that the next time that I was on a business trip would be the right time to act on this resolution. Shortly after my declaration I embarked on a business trip to a large cosmopolitan city. I checked into a major hotel chain in the art district of the city. From what I gathered art districts have the reputation for being unrestricted and quaint. Prior to my departure I had made arrangements to have dinner and drinks with two unsuspecting prospects. There was no turning back and so I not only needed a plan of action, I made provision for a back-up. I selected my non career wear carefully to emphasize my assets and down play any flaws. I was now ready to put my plan into action.

Next time...Plan of Action