Although we have known each other for so long, I know you have no idea of the secret that I carry with me each day. Despite the minutes, hours and quiet times that we have spent in each other’s company, you have no idea what runs through my mind. Your scent, your smile your unique style, it is all so comforting. It is this familiarity that I seek that I desire yet I am scared of the thought of letting you get too close, letting you know. When I am around you I cannot breathe, I gasp for air and daze in euphoric pleasure. I want to open my heart, my mind, my body and my soul so you can get a glimpse of the depth and breadth of my love for you. It is the tenderness in your voice that I so love when you speak of your children, it is the silliness in your laughter that I so enjoy when you are at a loss for words it is your simple admissions to life’s mistakes that I so admire in you. I know you like me, I know you feel me, but it is your love that I so desire?
The last time I wrote on this blog was two years ago. Wow, how time has passed and how little has changed.
I am still struggling with my weight and damn it is sad to know that I am at the same stage with my weight as I was two years ago. Imagine if I had simply committed to losing a pound a week I would be approximately 104 pounds lighter. Do you think it is too late to make that commitment?
I really don’t want to talk about weight loss right now. The passage above is from an email I sent a couple of days ago to a man I fell in love with, the same man that I had a romantic night with two years ago. So as you can see, not only has things changed in my love life, I went out and fell in love. The problem, major problem – married man! The ultimate no no.
So in coming to some realization I broke it off this morning. As painful as that was, it was also necessary. I really love him and the only way to move beyond this dead end relationship was to put an end to it. First I have to admit that at no point did I set out to develop romantic feelings for a married man. In fact, this man was not even my type. The starvation for intimacy and overwhelming desire for attention obviously overshadowed my common sense.
So what have I learn and what can I share with you. First I have to admit something. In breaking it off deep down inside I am hoping that we still have a future. Not right now, but perhaps later. No comment please – I know it would appear somewhat delusional.
Here are the lessons learned – in a relationship such as this one the nights are very lonely. We did not enjoy any of the pleasures of developing a real relationship, no late night phone calls (although I did get those 1:00am booty sex phone calls – not romantic at all). No overnight romantic night outs. I could not call him when I needed him and I spent most of my time waiting for him to call me. This did nothing for my self esteem, in fact it eroded myself esteem.
I strongly encourage all women; despite your need for love and attention please take the time to find the right partner. Do not be disillusioned by quick fixes. Sex in a hotel does not constitute love. It is just sex. No matter how long it may take, it is possible to find a relationship that is right. Take the time to do the things that you enjoy and forget about living to fulfill someone else’s expectation. Enjoy life to the fullest with or without a mate.
